The Road to Esteem
from the movie 'Spanglish'-
"Sometimes low self-esteem is just good common sense."
What does that mean? Sometimes, if we have low self-esteem, there's a damn good reason. We don't feel good about ourselves. How could this happen?
I have seen one person approach another, telling them that they have low self-esteem issues. They need to work on that, they say. They might even add some crap about "you have to believe in yourself"
How could a person get to a place of low self-esteem? Sometimes, it is because of things that have gone wrong in life. It could be something bad that happened to them that always felt like it devalued them. It could be a rape or assault, or it could be the many insults hurled at them by awful classmates or peers... or even by their own parents, belittling them. Whenever I see a parent do that, I always think it translates into "I am a selfish prick who resents the fact that I have to parent and therefore I do a crappy job, but rather than take responsibility for building up my child, I will just rip on them and declare it's their fault that no one has built them for future success".
Anyway.
Sometimes a reason we have low self-esteem is because we have made some terrible choices. Maybe you feel really scummy about some sexual choices you have made. Maybe you know that you have been telling lies, and what's worse, the lies are to cover up some behavior that is so bad that you don't want anyone to know. You might even get away with it, but really, how can you truly feel good about yourself when these sorts of things are going on?
Maybe you not feeling good about yourself makes perfect sense.
People might tell you to "believe in yourself" but you know you can't do that, because your "self" is the one making these choices, and the only thing you can believe is that you expect to screw things up like you so often do. Like you know that when that moment comes to truly do the right thing, you know you will fail, because you always do.
Kinda hard to feel good about that.
Sometimes we even give up on "trying to do the right thing" because there is no point, we have already accepted the label of failure and we might as well just do what feels good at the moment, because we will never ever get back to a place where we can feel like we are a "good person".
So, then, how in the world can we have strong self-esteem, how can we make that journey from feeling so low inside, to truly feeling good about ourselves?
If someone said they held you in high esteem, what would that mean?
Would it mean that they respected you? Admired you? Knew they could count on you? Trusted you?
Sure it would. Question is, would anyone say that about you? Do people hold you in high esteem? And if so, is that only because they haven't found out about everything that is wrong with you? Do you ever have trouble accepting compliments from a friend or lover, simply because you don't feel good about yourself, and if they knew why, they wouldn't be holding you in such high esteem either?
The road to good self-esteem
It is paved with better choices.
What sort of things genuinely make you feel good about yourself?
There is no shortcut to feeling good about yourself, other than to DO THINGS that make you feel good about yourself. And cut out the ones that make you feel dirty, embarrassed, or shady. I personally find it tremendously easier to like myself when my hands are clean, when there are not things in my life that I KNOW are wrong. I also find it easier to forgive myself for past wrongdoing, when it's not still going on!
Often, we find ourselves with labels we just cannot shake. Maybe a reputation we can't seem to live down, or a mark upon us that cannot seem to be erased. There's no point in reading self-help books or chanting in the mirror 100 times a day that you are a "good person" when you know it's a lie, deep down. This is often where Christian redemption comes in, when people are only able to accept the concept that they truly can feel good about themselves because they have found forgiveness from a God who declares that He has the right to forgive them, and is always faithful to do so. In many cases, only then can someone legitimately forgive themselves, and be free to go on to success, in spite of the shames they once carried, finally free from them.
Sometimes they reason that what they did was not that bad, or that everyone else is doing it, or that what they did was someone else's fault.
But however you deal with past hurts that have may have bogged you down, how can you also feel better about yourself without new excellence? Finding the strength to pass on a temptation that you used to have a terrible weakness for. Skipping your laziness and getting up to take care of the relationships you have been neglecting. Eliminating your stealing or lying and even correcting what you have done. Volunteering for real, instead of just some lame good intentions. Apologizing and being humble instead of allowing unnecessary conflicts to continue with your loved ones.
When you start to feel good about the (careful) words that come out of your mouth, when you start to feel good about the deeds of your hands, when you accomplish a daily integrity that you KNOW is true... then not only will you find yourself having excellent self-esteem...
you will find that no one else can give you self-esteem
and no one can take away the self-esteem you earned for yourself.
Most important here is that I now can get back where I'm suppose to be ..... Taking care of my family, and myself.
disgusted 