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The first time I held you was a magical moment. I remember the first time you smiled; I still carry that memory with me. The times I cuddled you were cradled with tenderness. Often and silently, you spoke love to me with your eyes.
I wouldn’t trade the countless fingerprints you left behind for a dozen unmarked walls. And all the times your curiosity led you to my closets and cupboards, and your imagination left its mark, only made me love you more.
I loved your giggles then, and I love them now. I’ve seen you deep in thought, and I’ve seen you acting silly. I’ve captured your moods and our memories and sewn them into my heart.
When you came along, I knew you would change my world, but what I didn’t know then was that I would gain a lifelong friend.
Dear Mother,
Mother, your arms were the first to hug me; you could make me feel like I was the center of your universe when you wrapped me up in safety, security, and the warmth of belonging.
Your voice was the first to sing to me, make me smile, and lull me to sleep. Your hands were the first to nurture me; you kissed away my fears and comforted me through colds and fevers and an endless list of childhood maladies. Your gentle fingers smoothed my hair and soothed my aches and bruises.
You were the first person to encourage me, cheer me on, give me approval, and applaud when I did something worthy. You are the person who taught me what it means to be loving and loved.
I'm so glad that we're different from a lot of mothers and sons. We're not just family, but true friends. We can confide in each other no matter what the subject. We can share laughter and good times, discuss life's challenges, try to help fix each other's problems, or just be there to listen and understand. We can count on each other more than anyone else in the world, knowing we will be there for each other under any circumstances. The love and support we share provide us with confidence, courage, and strength whenever we need it most. We're more than mom and son… we're best friends.
Sometimes life kicks us so hard we have no idea how to take it.
Injustice. Things like being abused as a child, all those little times someone was really mean to you, or something just plain sucked.
Neglect- Nobody took much care of you, and maybe, even with parents or others around, nobody really built you, or imparted life's wisdom... or gave you the tools to deal, ways to cope with what you were seeing, or surviving.
It starts from a real early age, from that neighbor kid biting you, to your big brother stealing your stuff. Mom forgetting your birthday. Parents Divorcing. Then the teenage years, and all that madness. Then you turn 18 and realize you are terrified and have no idea what's going on, and lying to yourself that you know plenty. And by now, you have had relationships, except now it's time to play house, live with people, sexual events, and all the heartbreak and mess and struggle that is.
And still not quite sure how to handle it all, internally. Like a splinter, it just festers... but too often we, at any age, find ourselves with either no one to talk to, or the wrong people to talk to that make it worse. And a general lack of wisdom or guidance to really take you to a place that makes it all ok.
All those things that hurt, devastated you, confused you, filled you with fury and hate and revenge....
But sure enough, they stew long enough... and they resurface, those feelings.
And come out in ways that hurt those around you. Usually loved ones, as we stiff-arm them away, say hurtful things, just like the ones you heard over the years... almost demanding they stop trying to love us after what they have done, or what other damage may have been done, even years ago...
Sometimes it causes breakdowns, panic attacks, and major fear... and still, more than ever-
no idea how to handle that.
Cutters. Sometimes this even leads to hurt ourselves, as a way to deal with the pain, even as extreme as cutting oneself, or drug / alcohol abuse, and a thousand other escapes...
and still not dealing with it.
Self-medicating, escaping, whatever survival tactics they can find, to survive the guilt, and the fury.
No one is immune from this damage, and very few have the support, or the tools, to fix it.
Depression, lashing out, self-hate, and angry behavior and words. Ouch.
People might say "oh, that's just how she is" or whatever, and she is doing her best, but her best is garbage.
two points-
If this is you, one of the walking wounded, having breakdowns, hurting, lashing out... it's time to get better.
It is time to get some tools in your toolbox. Maybe your mom didn't hug you and dad is no Dr. Phil, but it's time to get healthy. Find places of healing, physically, in your world, and those around you, and healing emotionally, releasing those that hurt you, dropping the charges. Find people to talk to. Seek WISE counsel. Talk to cool old people, they can tell you much. Mothers don't teach their daughters much these days, often, and dads aren't teaching their sons jack sh*t about what it is to be a man. But someone will teach you, if you listen, if you are teachable. Be teachable, for your own freedom, and a shot at better a connection with those around you that you pushed away....
For all the bad stuff that happened, it is done now. Give up hope for a better past, you will never fix it. Drop the charges against those that hurt you, set yourself free from them...
Get busy living, or get busy dying. If you are not going to die, then LIVE. Get to it. All you have is today.
Do something with it, no more excuses. No more excuses for slacking off, excuses for your ugly mouth, and dumbass choices. No excuses for not living up to your potential. Stow that, and go taste that potential.
Otherwise, the stuff that wrecked you, is still wrecking you.
Own your stuff, and settle it. Make peace with your pain, and peace with others gets easier. The road to liking yourself is not a hard one.
The Last Point-
When you see that someone in your life is one of these walking wounded, have mercy. Look past hostility and see the hurting person behind it, and speak to that person. Hold them accountable to get better, take steps, work for resolution.... but give some love and don't let their stuff hurt you or offend you, their pain may run much deeper than you know.
The ones that stiff-arm an embrace, are likely the ones who need that embrace the most.
Two weeks from now, we will be in a new residence ... just the two of us again. Hey! There's a song that comes to mind...
We are thrilled to be in our own spot again, instead of having to live with "Diva's!!!" The Drama Queen's of the family,... I don't know whom to say is the bigger drama queen, the Dad or his teenage 17 yr old daughter (Olivia).
After this morning, bright and early (7:10 a.m.)... I 'feel' for my granddaughter (MJ) as she will be getting the brunt of the drama from Olivia. Ah, the day that one is gone from the family, the better it will be for everyone. I pray that Olivia will get to realize that everything is not 'all about her' and if she has to be hit with the hard knocks of Life, so be it. Two years in counting... YAY!!
Anyways, back to what this entry is suppose to be about ...
We are already planning what we want to do in our home. The items we will purchase as funds allow. The chores for each, and which days for whom to complete them. The menu for our meals that we like. The activities that each are interested in doing. Oh, the peace and quiet! Serenity once again ... no Drama.
As people who live in these areas know, driving in desert and mountain regions is not like driving in other places. The conditions in these areas put added stress on your vehicle due to either extreme temperatures or altitude, which can lead to problems that may cause your vehicle to break down.
So when travelling through a desert or mountain, drivers need to be aware of the conditions surrounding them and prepare accordingly. This is even more important if you are travelling by yourself.
Remember, desert and mountain regions are often remote and don't have places to service your vehicle like you would find in other parts of the country.
Preparing Yourself
The first thing you should do (and this is something you should do whenever you travel) is let someone know when you are leaving and when you plan to return. Call this person when you arrive at your destination. And if you have a cellular phone, give that person the number in case of an emergency. You don't want to get stuck 50 miles from the nearest town without any way to reach the outside world.
There are several items that you may want to take with you when you travel in the desert or mountains. Some of the items you might want to pack in your survival kit include: bottled water, extra brake fluid, collapsible shovel, concentrated food, emergency blankets, engine coolant, utility knife, matches, extra motor oil, oil filter, spray bottle, wire brush and baking soda (both for the vehicle's battery).
Bring a map of your destination as well as maps that show the best way to get there. Many auto insurance agents offer free maps, or you can purchase them at gas stations or convenience stores. You can get maps that show route and driving directions through a travel club or on the Internet.
Preparing Your Car
Besides taking care of yourself, you also need to make sure your vehicle is ready for the journey. It's a good idea to get a full-service tune-up at least a week or two before you leave. Don't wait until the day before because if there is a major problem with your car or truck, the repair shop may need a few days to fix it.
While the car is at the shop, have your mechanic check for 'play' in the water pump. Also have the radiator 'pressure checked' for leaks that are not as obvious on a visual inspection.
Either do it yourself or have your mechanic check the coolant strength in the radiator overflow reservoir with a hydrometer. The antifreeze should be clean and up to the proper level. Check all belts and hoses associated with your coolant system carefully. Make sure there are no cracks. Replace any ones that you are not sure of and carry extra belts and hoses.
Check all your vehicle's fluids. This includes oil, coolant, brake fluid, power steering and automatic transmission fluid, hydraulic clutch fluid and windshield wiper fluid. If you are unsure how to check these fluids, have your mechanic do it. Change the oil and filter - they should be changed every 3,000 miles.
Make sure your battery is ready for the strenuous task ahead. Triple-digit temperatures of the desert and high altitude of the mountains can wear down a battery easily. Have your battery 'load tested' if it's more than five years old. Check the battery terminals yourself for corrosion. Terminals can be cleaned with a wire brush dipped in baking soda and water. Make sure it is properly secured so it can't tip over and lose electrolyte.
Extreme heat and higher speeds are tough on old worn tires and brand-new ones. Inspect your tire-tread wear and maintain proper tire air pressure according to your owner's manual. Check that your spare tire, jack and tire tools are in good condition. Put air in the spare tire. It is also good to carry an extra spare tire. Sharp rocks could render more than one of your tires useless.
When driving get into the habit of watching gauges and warning lights. If the temperature gauge gets too high, turn off the air conditioning. Be sure your headlights, taillights, brake lights and turning signals work, and replace any burnt-out bulbs.
Road Conditions
The conditions of desert and mountain dirt roads are foreign to most people. They can be snow covered, full of potholes and they can change from season to season. A road that might be fine in the summer may be unreachable in the winter.
Low-riding cars with little clearance will have a hard time navigating a rugged road. Pickup trucks and sport utility vehicles will do better on a back road because they have higher clearance.
Regardless of the vehicle, make sure you check its bottom for vulnerable spots. Knowing where important components like your muffler, catalytic converter, air conditioner, oil pan and exhaust pipes are will help you carefully steer your way around a dicey spot. A punctured oil pan is not something you want to deal with while you are driving in the middle of nowhere.
Getting Stuck
If you get stuck in the middle of the wilderness, think before you act. You don't want to try anything that will endanger yourself. A road that is mud in the morning may turn into dirt in the afternoon. If you are not sure of the way out, don't leave your vehicle unless you have no other alternative.
If you have a cellular phone, you may want to try it. However, lonely stretches of back road are often out of the range of cellular phone towers, so don't count on it working all the time. If you told someone where you are going and when you are supposed to be back, you could sit in your vehicle and wait for help to arrive.
If you didn't tell anyone where you are going, you may have to walk out. A reasonably fit person can walk about three miles an hour. You should consider weather conditions and availability of food and water before you start walking. Leave a note with the car describing your walk routing and take a map with you showing your vehicle's location.
Regardless if you are on a dirt road in the middle of the desert or snow-covered path in the mountains, remember to use caution. Being prepared will save you from potential problems that may arise.
"Sometimes low self-esteem is just good common sense."
What does that mean? Sometimes, if we have low self-esteem, there's a damn good reason. We don't feel good about ourselves. How could this happen?
I have seen one person approach another, telling them that they have low self-esteem issues. They need to work on that, they say. They might even add some crap about "you have to believe in yourself"
How could a person get to a place of low self-esteem? Sometimes, it is because of things that have gone wrong in life. It could be something bad that happened to them that always felt like it devalued them. It could be a rape or assault, or it could be the many insults hurled at them by awful classmates or peers... or even by their own parents, belittling them. Whenever I see a parent do that, I always think it translates into "I am a selfish prick who resents the fact that I have to parent and therefore I do a crappy job, but rather than take responsibility for building up my child, I will just rip on them and declare it's their fault that no one has built them for future success".
Anyway.
Sometimes a reason we have low self-esteem is because we have made some terrible choices. Maybe you feel really scummy about some sexual choices you have made. Maybe you know that you have been telling lies, and what's worse, the lies are to cover up some behavior that is so bad that you don't want anyone to know. You might even get away with it, but really, how can you truly feel good about yourself when these sorts of things are going on?
Maybe you not feeling good about yourself makes perfect sense.
People might tell you to "believe in yourself" but you know you can't do that, because your "self" is the one making these choices, and the only thing you can believe is that you expect to screw things up like you so often do. Like you know that when that moment comes to truly do the right thing, you know you will fail, because you always do.
Kinda hard to feel good about that.
Sometimes we even give up on "trying to do the right thing" because there is no point, we have already accepted the label of failure and we might as well just do what feels good at the moment, because we will never ever get back to a place where we can feel like we are a "good person".
So, then, how in the world can we have strong self-esteem, how can we make that journey from feeling so low inside, to truly feeling good about ourselves?
If someone said they held you in high esteem, what would that mean?
Would it mean that they respected you? Admired you? Knew they could count on you? Trusted you?
Sure it would. Question is, would anyone say that about you? Do people hold you in high esteem? And if so, is that only because they haven't found out about everything that is wrong with you? Do you ever have trouble accepting compliments from a friend or lover, simply because you don't feel good about yourself, and if they knew why, they wouldn't be holding you in such high esteem either?
The road to good self-esteem
It is paved with better choices.
What sort of things genuinely make you feel good about yourself?
There is no shortcut to feeling good about yourself, other than to DO THINGS that make you feel good about yourself. And cut out the ones that make you feel dirty, embarrassed, or shady. I personally find it tremendously easier to like myself when my hands are clean, when there are not things in my life that I KNOW are wrong. I also find it easier to forgive myself for past wrongdoing, when it's not still going on!
Often, we find ourselves with labels we just cannot shake. Maybe a reputation we can't seem to live down, or a mark upon us that cannot seem to be erased. There's no point in reading self-help books or chanting in the mirror 100 times a day that you are a "good person" when you know it's a lie, deep down. This is often where Christian redemption comes in, when people are only able to accept the concept that they truly can feel good about themselves because they have found forgiveness from a God who declares that He has the right to forgive them, and is always faithful to do so. In many cases, only then can someone legitimately forgive themselves, and be free to go on to success, in spite of the shames they once carried, finally free from them.
Sometimes they reason that what they did was not that bad, or that everyone else is doing it, or that what they did was someone else's fault.
But however you deal with past hurts that have may have bogged you down, how can you also feel better about yourself without new excellence? Finding the strength to pass on a temptation that you used to have a terrible weakness for. Skipping your laziness and getting up to take care of the relationships you have been neglecting. Eliminating your stealing or lying and even correcting what you have done. Volunteering for real, instead of just some lame good intentions. Apologizing and being humble instead of allowing unnecessary conflicts to continue with your loved ones.
When you start to feel good about the (careful) words that come out of your mouth, when you start to feel good about the deeds of your hands, when you accomplish a daily integrity that you KNOW is true... then not only will you find yourself having excellent self-esteem...
you will find that no one else can give you self-esteem
and no one can take away the self-esteem you earned for yourself.
What really gets under my skin is ... Liars! They lie about the stupidest things really... Why do they have to choose the path of L-i-e-s ?
Turn to the left, lies about where they went. Turn to the right, lies about a neighbor's kid. Go straight, lies about what they did today. Turn around, lies surround...
Is it just the community in which one is living? Or has the whole darn world lost the 'TRUTH' ???
blessed
Two weeks from now, we will be in a new residence ... just the two of us again. Hey! There's a song that comes to mind... 
Most important here is that I now can get back where I'm suppose to be ..... Taking care of my family, and myself.
disgusted 